2021 was another year of trying to be ok, but not really getting there. It went by fast, but in slow motion. It felt surreal, but I felt every part of it...
...and I did indeed FEEL.
In fact, the past two years have taken me on a whirlwind of emotions. During these times, I have tried to be strong, tried to be positive, tried to be vulnerable, leaned into my feelings, felt more anxiety than I have ever felt before, felt love, felt like giving up on being positive, cried a river, took a dip in the negativity pool- maybe even a long swim. Almost drowned in the feeling of missing home and being away from family, realized that my friends in Shanghai also became my family, have had to say goodbye to friends who had become family, cried a river, felt no motivation to build closer connections with others because they would eventually leave too, felt fulfilled, felt alone, felt supported, started going to therapy, stopped going to therapy, lost my direction, allowed myself time to reset, tried to figure out what I wanted for the now, felt joy, tried to feel joy for a moment longer than it lasted, tried to live in the moment, tried planning for the future, almost drowned in panic while planning the future because everything felt and still feels SO uncertain…
and now, in the blink of an eye, 2022 has arrived.
So what now? Is it going to be another year of trying to be ok?
At the end of another year of falling apart, while trying to keep my shit together, I’ve become tired of waiting for things to go back to “normal” to start living my life as that. Maybe things would never be as they were, and maybe I just need to be more intentional about living my best life throughout all the chaos. Learn to smoothly surf along the waves that come with life- even when it feels like a Tsunami.
For the past couple of years, I had been challenging myself to make each year the best ever, and successfully did so, up until 2020. This year I am going to push myself to resume my “Best Year Ever Challenge” and declare that 2022 would indeed be so!
Could I truly make this happen? I guess time will tell, and given the rollercoaster ride of the past two years, I know that it would indeed be a challenge, maybe even be a bit scary. Either way, I am committed to trying- because I’m not ok with not being ok!
Here’s to 2022, whatever that means, and to whatever comes…