I’ll probably take back all of what I’m about to say in a few weeks (Like the time I questioned if I was tired of solo travel). But these are my current thoughts, I've decided to share...
Some of you may recognize the title of this post as the lyrics to a Didio album (shoutout to all the Dido fans). "Life for Rent" may be an old record but it continues to be one ever so relevant in my life- especially at this very moment.
I must admit that I’ve been "in my feelings" during my current vacation- for so many reasons. One being that this trip has surprisingly made me interested in living the settled life that I’ve thought of as basic, monotonous and boring.
It seems like the closer I get to home, the more I feel like settling and making one of my own. The notion of starting a family and having that kind of domesticated life seems less nauseating and I start thinking of what my life would be like if I settle out of Shanghai- out of Neverland and back into the real world.
I still love the Hai, and the city will always have a special place in my heart. I love what living there has done to and for me. I have fully come into my truest self there, but this truest self is ready to be in another place. I keep thinking that maybe it’s time to practice what Hai has taught me.
Life makes sense in different ways, in and outside of the Hai, and I’m beginning to feel as though it now has more meaning outside.
I feel as though I’ve been jumping back and forth between two different lives- always unable to choose one.
I feel as though I leave a piece of my heart in every place that I go, and I leave with a great longing to journey back.
I keep wondering, where will I end up and how much of my heart will I have left when I do...
I keep wondering, Will this life I currently live always be fun. The freedom I enjoy. The responsibilities I avoid. Packing up and going. Packing up and coming. Living life on a whim and as I please.
I guess only time will tell...
Happy & Confused